Ode to Cher

Hi hordes of readers, remember Linda, the nutsy artist with the bi level two tone haircut and the attitude? She told her mom that she reminded me of Cher. Her mom was horrified and motified and I ask "pour quoi"? "Per che?", even...

Cher has always been sexy as all hell and she has been the source material for my childhood, adolescent, post adolescent and young adult fantasies. I still have photos and clippings of Cher when she was a highly "wankable to" rock chick....sigh...why does Cher speak to my condition? well, bring tall, half armenian and cherokee indian helps, those huge almond shaped eyes and gorgeous legs help, having tattoos when only biker rock chicks had tatts helps, oh that picyure of Cher leering like a fox in a steamroom waring a diaphanous white number , barefoot showing off her perfect ankles, those feet argh and a tattoo f a turtle or somethng on her ankle...ohhhhh Jesus Mary and Joseph!.... Cher is so sexy that she sweats a mixture of estrogen, nitrous oxide and amyl nitrate- that's hot, I could ask Cher to wear a piece of absorbent material in her panties for a week of intense arena tours, take the material, stuff it in a gasmask and clean house with that on, just breathing it all in. Oh Cher...so independent- there's a role model. I can't say a lot of her music I like, she had the same potential as Neil Diamond..she could have been a real ROCKER buther career went the same way: top 40 through and through, an excellent performer (despite the warbling) delivering hits but lacking in street and critical alternative press credibility to be taken as seriously as less talented others, staying buddies with dearly departed ex husband and mentor, statesman Sonny Bono helped, marrying nutsy Gregg Allman helps, picking up young guys helps, oh man, the clincher was screwing Bon Jovi guitarist Ritchie Sambora and treating him like a disposable dildo, my immediate thoughts were a) wow, she is 20 years older than the guy b) she's just hosing him down because she likes bad boys with guitars and c) I wonder if I could ever be Cher's boy toy, I mean, I'm no knockout, but under the right light and if I can manage not to talk a mile a minute, I'm ok. Maybe Cher could throw me a mercy fuck...

To this day, that Sambora guy can thank Cher for making his name known- i'm mortified and horrified at the longevity and insipidness of Bon Jovi, boy and to this day, whenever i see a picture of those meathead mooks from jersey, I always look for Ritchie "Sambuca" and mumble to myself "Cher's boy toy".

Let's see...back to Cher...having fake tits installed helps, especially when it was uncommon and especially when they look so friggin' luscious and inviting. doing whatever the fuck she wants and doing it well helps, being an excellent actress helps, not having self destructed helps, not having been co-opted and canonized as a gay male icon helps (by not self destructing nor being a "victim" like Judy Garland or Lady Di or Amy Winehouse, the gay victim diva with a broken wing worship positioning potential dims in comparison) - being upfront about her sexuality without compromising her credibility as a performer and living her life the way she wants helps. Hooooo she probably fucks like a warrior goddess, is it just me or are all these truths believed to be self-evident?

So if anybody has a problem with Cher, they better come up with some rational, intelligent reasons to rag on her. Being cheesy sometimes isn't reason enough....look at Kylie!!! I'd be quite proud having a daughter who was compared to Cher: a bad girl with a great look, a set of brains with extra gray matter and a long sparkling career! I could think of a lot worse people to be compared to...like what's his names running mate...oh what's her face...Michelle Palin...Michaela Palin...oooohhhh.... I HATE when this happens...


Next: why I have made my peace wth Melanie Griffith. All is forgiven, Mel, g'wan ...come to Papa.